It's official: Microsoft SUCKs

Microsoft announced today its decision to formally abandon Java in favour of its new
Simple Unified C++ Kit (SUCK). The name of the project, previously codenamed
COOL, was changed to reflect Microsoft's new corporate image.

"We've decided to take a much more aggressive approach to software industry
standards," said SUCK development spokesman Pout Tantrum. "In the past, Microsoft
has been extremely gracious and supportive of open industry protocols and standards,
even when it challenged our desktop monopoly. And what did we get for it? Lawsuits
from Sun, the Department of Justice, and some tiny companies out in the boondocks that
nobody's ever heard of. Well, that's going to change. SUCK is 100% Microsoft invented,
owned, patented and controlled. It's our way of giving something back to the computing
industry. A clear message saying, 'Up yours, Charlie, we're Microsoft.'"

SUCK is slated to replace VBA, VBScript, J++, C++, CMD.EXE shell, and 8086
assembler as Microsoft's official systems integration language, and will debut with the
long-awaited Windows 2000. In keeping with their new streamlined corporate
philosophy, Microsoft will also launch a global saturation advertising campaign featuring
the digitally-recreated likeness of J. Edgar Hoover wearing silk lingerie.
Posted on Mon 15 Feb 17:53:07 1999 GMT
Written by Lennier