Microsoft Buys America!
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Subject: Microsoft Buys America!
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to
accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp.
announced today that it will be acquiring the federal
government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth",
said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to
be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office
of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured
members of the press that changes will be "minimal".
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division
of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July
of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft
president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice
president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States
government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how
it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to
Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He
went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and
that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support
and confidence".
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the
$200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at
Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved
to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive
decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office
at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and
Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy",
he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada
was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are
taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating
that United States citizens will be able to expect lower
taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all
Microsoft products.
About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT")
is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers,
and democratic government.
The company offers a wide range of products and services for
public, business and personal use, each designed with the
mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to
take advantage of the full power of personal computing and
free society every day.
About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States
of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world,
and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over
200 years.
Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States will be
a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
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