Unix Customer Hotline
2c7b1a3188a6f6a2e1dc6ff769470716<html><head><title>Unix Support Hotline</title></head>
<p>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny<br>
Subject: Unix support hotline, may I help you?<br>
From: toad@cellar.UUCP<br>
Keywords: unix, chuckle, true
<p>
The following is original, but it's by our entire organization (which, for
safety's sake, must remain anonymous).
<p>
I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems.
Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who
determine the general nature of each caller's problem or question and
then place it on a queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each
call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is
within their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
<p>
Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.
<p><ul>
<li>"Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling."
<li>"Trying to get a back door booth"
<li>"Problem with supper block"
<li>"Questions on the fuzzy disk controller"
<li>"Problem with the getty desk"
</ul><p>
Spelling errors can happen.
<p><ul>
<li>"Question on COBOL air conditions"
<li>"Problem with defunk processor"
<li>"Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify"
</ul><p>
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
<p><ul>
<li>"System running in two time zones"
<li>"Error log file that self purges"
<li>"The program keeps changing"
<li>"Terminal is screaming"
</ul><p>
There is some hardware we just don't support.
<p><ul>
<li>"Getting rat errors"
<li>"Part number for prompt chip"
<li>"Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions"
</ul><p>
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
<p><ul>
<li>"Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke"
</ul><p>
Maybe the machine would be happier in another room.
<p><ul>
<li>"Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall"
</ul><p>
Users may get a little fed up.
<p><ul>
<li>"The light is flashing"
<li>"Getting error message that says enough already"
<li>"Can something be done. If so, how?"
</ul><p>
Maybe our software is just too boring.
<p><ul>
<li>"Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software"
</ul><p>
This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.
<p><ul>
<li>"Colonel destroyed"
</ul><p>
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
<p><ul>
<li>"Users are getting bumped off and hanging up"<br>
... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
<li>"Printer not talking properly"<br>
... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run...
<li>"Problem with PC going into the Unix box"<br>
... Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
<li>"How much swab space?"<br>
... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
<li>"Command responds too rapidly"<br>
... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
<li>"Would like to kill a certain group of users"<br>
... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all.
<li>"Syster is hung for the last 2 days"<br>
... Sounds like a personal problem!
</ul><p>
Finally, this one is just too theoretical.
<p><ul>
<li>"How can she enter data into a hard coated field?"
</ul>
<hr>
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nutworks<br>
Subject: 1991 Unix support headlines<br>
From: toad@cellar.org<br>
Date: Sat, 29 Feb 92 4:30:4 EST<br>
<p>
(These went over well last year, so I kept a list for this year.)
<p>
I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on
an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call,
so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in
their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
<p>
Spelling errors can happen.
<p><ul>
<li>"The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
<li>"Air message on consol"
</ul><p>
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
<p><ul>
<li>"Cannot get into the library"
<li>"Runaway process boards"
<li>"Terminals need to be brightened up"<br>
...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
<li>"Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"<br>
...calling from your car phone?
<li>"Does not see the boot"<br>
...check the end of your foot.
<li>"Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"<br>
...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
<li>"Cannot get into Telnet"<br>
...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
<li>"Constant memory vaults"<br>
...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
<li>"X's and O's on terminal"<br>
...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
<li>"Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"<br>
...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
<li>"Bust fault and reset of system"<br>
...can the hardware guy install a bra?
</ul><p>
There is some hardware we just don't support.
<p><ul>
<li>"Install wife terminal"
<li>"Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
<li>"Foot disk needs to be reformatted"<br>
...contact your chiropractor.
<li>"Actuary on printer is out"<br>
...are they at an insurance company?
</ul><p>
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
<p><ul>
<li>"Trouble with electrical smell on system"
</ul><p>
This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:
<p><ul>
<li>"When logging on, getting overthrow signal"
</ul><p>
Similarly:
<p><ul>
<li>"Warning regent table overthrow"
</ul><p>
Here's a stumper.
<p><ul>
<li>"EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"
</ul><p>
Users may get a little fed up.
<p><ul>
<li>"Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
<li>"Too much paper during printing"
</ul><p>
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
<p><ul>
<li>"Getting a parody error"
<li>"If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
<li>"Having ahard disfailure"
<li>"Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
<li>"Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"<br>
...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
<li>"Questions on fox based software"<br>
...those animals really do understand relational databases!
<li>"Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"<br>
...oh, your console is upside-down.
<li>"Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"<br>
...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
<li>"Kill process logs users off system"<br>
...it does tend to do that.
<li>"Question on repetitioning the disc"<br>
...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
<li>"Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"<br>
...please, don't network under the influence.
<li>"UPS DOWN"<br>
...and down is up, right, sir?
</ul>
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