From ptsfa!pacbell!att-ih!alberta!mnetor!utzoo!utgpu!water!watmath!looking!funny Wed Mar  9 12:51:01 1988
Path: hoptoad!ptsfa!pacbell!att-ih!alberta!mnetor!utzoo!utgpu!water!watmath!looking!funny
From: jat@hpsemc.UUCP (Joe Talmadge)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Flamers Bible
Keywords: original, chuckle
Message-ID: <1464@looking.UUCP>
Date: 9 Mar 88 20:51:01 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 97
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: watmath!hppad!hpfcla!hpda!hpsemc!jat



      The FLAMERS BIBLE

Origin:  Unknown (actually, I wrote the first one a few months ago, but
      I thought "origin: unknown" looks cool)

Revision 1:  Dec. 2, 1987  by Joe Talmadge


In the time I have been posting to net, I have encountered flame wars
of epic proportions (Brahms Gang vs. Tim Maroney), and flame wars of a
more modest nature (MIT vs. CIT).  Flaming has evolved into a
highly-stylized art form, complete with unwritten rules and guidelines.

Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a way
as it will be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and novices
(virgins) alike.  Without a further ado, then, I present:

  ***********The twelve commandments of flaming**************

1.  Make things up about your opponent:  It's important to make your lies
  sound true.  Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
  "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

2.  Be an armchair psychologist:  You're a smart person.  You've
  heard of Freud.  You took a psychology course in college.
  Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent.
  "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting,
  shows she has a bad case of penis envy."

3.  Cross-post your flames:  Everyone on the net is just waiting for
  the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal.  From
  rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their
  breaths until your next flame.  Therefore, post everywhere.

4.  Conspiracies abound:  If everyone's against you, the reason
  can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead.  There's obviously
  a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire
  net a favor by exposing it.

5.  Lawsuit threats:  This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
  Yin & Yang of flaming).  Threatening a lawsuit is always
  considered to be in good form.  "By saying that I've posted
  to the wrong group, Bertha has libelled me, slandered me,
  and sodomized me.  See you in court, Bertha."

6.  Force them to document their claims:  Even if Harry Hoinkus
  states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you
  should demand documentation.  If Newsweek hasn't written
  an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously
  lying.  

7.  Use foreign phrases:  French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
  of flaming.  You should use the words "ad hominem" at least
  three times per article.  Other favorite Latin phrases are
  "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".

8.  Tell 'em how smart you are:  Why use intelligent arguments to
  convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell
  them?  State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks
  of America.  Tell them the scores you received on every exam
  since high school.  "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, 
  MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ".

9.  Accuse your opponent of censorship.  It is your right as an American
  citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as
  guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think).  Anyone who tries
  to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is
  either a communist, a fascist, or both.

10.  Doubt their existence:  You've never actually seen your opponent, 
  have you?  And since you're the center of the universe, you
  should have seen them by now, shouldn't you?  Therefore, THEY
  DON'T EXIST!  This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

11.  Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12.  When in doubt, insult:  If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
  this one.  At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer
  you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
  better than you.  This person will expose your lies, tear
  apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo.  At
  this point, there's only one thing to do:  insult the dirtbag!!!
  "Oh yeah?  Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."


The Golden Rule of Flaming:

My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.


Here endeth the scriptures.


Joe Talmadge
hplabs!hpda!hpsemc!jat